Jun 152014
 

A night bird calling at twilight

The day winding down

Time to punch that internal time clock

Let go of anxieties, relax,

And do something that you just enjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A song taking me back to Massachusetts

the pain and confusion and but growth

 

growth in the end, the bitter-sweet end

 

Sometimes we must mess up

really bad to understand

 

our bad decisions

 

I did the best I could

It was not good enough

until the end

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A time to engage with problems

and a time to let go, completely

 

Let go of all of them

Give yourself a rest

 

There are problems that cannot be solved

right away, some that cannot be solved at all

Sometimes only a change of attitude will do,

 

a realization that not everything

is in our control, we are not all-powerful

Unexpected things happen

 

whether we like it or not

We make mistakes in judgment

and can’t take back

 

But everyone needs to take an emotional rest

or we will go crazy with worry. Sometimes time

is the only remedy, sometimes forgiveness

of self and others is needed

 

Forgiveness, actual forgiveness

can be a very tough thing to do

A wild storm, then a quiet rain

Linda and the cats sleeping

 

I finally feel a sense of calm

 

Night approaches and

bird cries grow fainter

 

We finally dace a problem

and realize we need help

 

We are no match for Wells Fargo alone

 

O the green out back

and the patter of rain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back before Bipolar hit, or I was aware of it

My life seemed to be on some kind of track

 

Slowly things started to unravel

I continued on a chaotic course

 

I tried to help my mentally ill mom

Some might say it as a meager effort

 

I did the best I could, but still feel guilty

 

Now that I have been in gradual recovery since ‘99

I can see the course of my life much more clearly

 

I still have wounds and regrets, errors of judgment

That hurt myself and others, aspirations unmet

 

But now I see that I finally landed on my feet

With greater mindfulness and a conscience

 

I make my mistakes and face challenges

that sometimes seem overwhelming

 

I’m in a creative groove, I strive

to face both sides of reality

Birds crying out, in the darkness before dawn

My spirit cries out in unison with them.

 

We are sending a greeting

to the invisible dawn.

 

There are many invisible things

that touch one’s spirit out in nature

and awaken one’s mind.

 

Invisible things also keep us keepin’ on

and ignite the flame of hope

 

When is the time for sleep?

Only the spirit knows

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boundaries, we may not like them, but we need them
Didn’t Frost say “Good fences make good neighbors”

Of course, you can carry this thought too far
If you never cross a boundary, you will never know
why it exists in the first place

Something like that…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Down at Stop and Go

the muck-a-mucks don’t show up

the very poor, working poor do

 

and I do

 

Sometimes I feel like

I don'[t fit in anywhere

 

I have been poor

I have been middle class

 

I feel more like me

dressing down

 

I have seen both worlds

 

Each has its heroes

Each has its villains

 

Each has its lost souls

just trying to get by

 

and that’s the truth

 

Everyone passes away

Leaving behind their essence

In the spirit of someone else

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, can’t walk

now must use walker

 

I’ve passed through anger stage

skipping depression, and now, hopefully

have moved on to acceptance

 

But you never know about those stages

They don’t unfold according to plan

 

I hate being dependent

leaving more for my wife

to do…It’s not me

 

Politics fade into the background

when something like a knee breaks down

Hopefully it can be fixed

 

But I don’t know, I’m not a doc,

just a man, living day to day

 

doing the best I can

 

 

Fiona the cat who can’t go out

because of the neighbor’s trap

 

watches fireflies in the night

through the bedroom screen

 

I watch them, too

 

Not much to say about them

except that they are a miracle

and so is Fiona the cat

 

The moment seems

Both old and new

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback dream: I am late for my wedding

and have no friends present or a best man

 

No bathroom available in the church

My fiance gives me a closed mouth kiss

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard to see your own ego

Often it can be years later

You gain some insight

 

after you have made a fool of yourself

or hurt someone, years later you see

what an egotistical fool you were

 

Hopefully now, you are more mindful

and stop the craziness before it start

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I came back to life at dusk

Heard the cry of the dove

 

Cooled the house down

Straightened things up

 

Faced some hard truths

Got rid of headache

 

Played some Tom Petty

“Runnin’ Down a Dream’

 

I came back to life at dusk

Heard the cry of the dove

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally found my music

great artists, great songs

 

the music that transforms me

Now I no longer looking beauty

in the face, in the eyes

 

I no longer fear beauty

because of the great artists

great songs

 

and in there somewhere

my own beauty and song

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have trauma from the past to work through

but finally a good therapist to work with

I have rejections to deal with

but, again, a good therapist

and writing to help me deal with it

 

I love our neighborhood and Arden-Asheville

and love our marriage, and things are so different

from my former life before I got help for Bipolar

and was homeless and wandering around

the country and from job to job and relationship

to relationship and risking so much

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I keep on going to sleep

and waking up and talking back

to characters in the dreams

 

It doesn’t scare me

I’m not hurting anyone

 

I’m hearing voices

but I have to believe

this too will pass

 

I keep thinking about

riding in the gondola

of a hot-air balloon

 

We have no control over

where we night end up

 

We are at the mercy of the elements

 

I am hearing voices

and I talk back to them

out loud

 

 

I’m gettin’ there, gradually

 

Where is there, you might want to know?

Well, a place where I can see more clearly

 

avoid my missteps

before I make them

 

Well, some of them

No one is perfect

 

But with age, hopefully

comes greater insight

 

and a bit of wisdom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It feels good to step back
and be quiet sometimes

I should do this more
be in my own space

let others speak
listen to them

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a business decision, they say

Never mind how it affects people

 

but what’s wrong with a business deal

woven through with some compassion

 

The world we live in has gone crazy, it seems

people with no conscience are running amuck

 

while too many good people

turn their tails, run and hide

 

It’s time to stand up, people

Face down the new zombies

 

they are cowards at heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I turn on the news, then turn it off fast

I think I know what’s going on anyway

 

A prisoner is being released

Who can complain about that?

 

It’s a quiet dawn in the Blue Ridge

Birds are singing, not a blade of grass stirring

I feel peaceful inside

 

Listening to 80s music, why not?

The past and present and future are one

People are the same,

 

some growing, some not

Some with a conscience, some not

Some with beauty, inside and out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let the silence into your soul

All you can do is the best you can do

So let the worry go

 

You’re just another grassroots person

trying to make your way through the world

so rest in that knowledge

 

Listen to the cry of the night bird

as dusk settles over the land

 

Talk less and listen more

and everything will be alright

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Listening to Whitesnake

“Here I go again

 

Here I go again

I’ve made up my mind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It always feels good to start over

renew, pick yourself up by your bootstraps

feel this cold wind on your face and hair

 

turn on the music

look out at the darkness

have some good java

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I used to be 5’8″ or 5’9″

but I’ve shrunk, that can happen

as you age

 

but I still tell the nurse 5’8″

not wanting to face reality

 

as if being shorter is a sign of weakness…

Now Linda jokingly calls me Mr. 5’8”

 

reminding me of reality

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s ok

It’s ultimately ok

as long as your soul lives

and your love survives

It’s ok

It’s ultimately ok

as long as you do not lose hope

It’s ok

It’s ultimately ok

as long as you stick to your values

your sense of right and wrong

It’s ok, it’s ok

as long as you continue to care

about more than yourself

about more than material objects

as long as you seek justice

for yourself and others

It’s okay

It’s ultimately ok

If you hurt me I know how to heal

I know how to go deep inside

 

 

 

 

My love for music grows

Time to pick up the guitar again

Compose some new songs

Do some open mics

 

Shadows and light on the green at twilight

“It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away” (U2)

Wake up, clear your head,

 

turn on the music, friends

The spirit will move inside

inside of you

 

inside of you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No way to control where I’m going

No way to control where I’ve been

 

I’m alive, I’m free, and one thing for sure

I’m not going to hurt anyone, I won’t inflict

my trauma on anyone else

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So many things buzzing around in my head

doctor appointments, lawyer appointment

preparing for vacation, sleep test tonight

problems selling our house

cats can’t go out because of complaint

knee replacement may be wearing out

but, but things could be so much worse

I have a good marriage

and Linda’s birthday is tomorrow

and we’re babysitting for granddaughter

and the sun is shining as twilight approaches

and our money is holding up (for now)

and we have some good friends

 

Politics is crazy, so what else is new?

The situation is scary, but I do what I can

to help preserve democracy and to stand

for social justice

 

I do what I can, I’m just one person

 

I continue to write and write and write

but the publishing industry is tough, tough, tough

to break into

 

I need an agent but it seems impossible right now

 

I have trauma from the past to work through

but finally a good therapist to work with

I have rejections to deal with

but, again, a good therapist

and writing to help me deal with it

 

I love our neighborhood and Arden-Asheville

and love our marriage, and things are so different

from my former life before I got help for Bipolar

and was homeless and wandering around

the country and from job to job and relationship

to relationship and risking so much

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten years we’ve been together

with each other and Fiona and Lily

faced many challenges

 

stayed faithful through many challenges

and now our anniversary is coming up

 

and I’m so glad we stuck it out

It’s a mystery how we did it

 

and yet it is clear

We honored our decision

 

We’ve grown but there is more to explore

Much more, much more, more mystery

 

always more

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to break some new ground

Time to climb the Blue Ridge, touch the clouds

Time to hang out with hawks and eag

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The idea is to keep on keepin’ on

to not give up, to be your own self

to take some risks but not all risks

 

to reach out, but if you receive rejection back

to not let it eat away at you, just keep on pitchin’

doing the best you can

 

Like Obama, who is battered every day

he doesn’t let the barbs stop him in his tracks

or destroy his self-confidence

 

The idea is to not allow material objects

to dominant your thinking and steal your soul

character is not built on money-making

 

The idea is to lend a helping hand

especially to the most vulnerable

 

The idea is to remember the capacity for growth

In people you may have dismissed in the past…

 

 

 

 

What would I do without my car

riding through the pre-dawn

down the highway

 

heading for my favorite coffee shop

 

listen to my favorite artists, like Bruce Springsteen

U2, Bob Dylan, riding alone, feeling free, reflecting,

the road almost empty, the past, present, future

 

 

flowing through my mind

thoughts of fighting for justice

in the country I love, the USA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When things start to fall apart
I get very calm, I focus body and mind
I’m better in a crisis, don’t know why

I get very quiet inside myself
start to listen to bird cries at dawn
feel a new day rising

another chance to get it right

 

 

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