Jun 152014

A night bird calling at twilight

The day winding down

Time to punch that internal time clock

Let go of anxieties, relax,

And do something that you just enjoy





















A song taking me back to Massachusetts

the pain and confusion and but growth


growth in the end, the bitter-sweet end


Sometimes we must mess up

really bad to understand


our bad decisions


I did the best I could

It was not good enough

until the end













A time to engage with problems

and a time to let go, completely


Let go of all of them

Give yourself a rest


There are problems that cannot be solved

right away, some that cannot be solved at all

Sometimes only a change of attitude will do,


a realization that not everything

is in our control, we are not all-powerful

Unexpected things happen


whether we like it or not

We make mistakes in judgment

and can’t take back


But everyone needs to take an emotional rest

or we will go crazy with worry. Sometimes time

is the only remedy, sometimes forgiveness

of self and others is needed


Forgiveness, actual forgiveness

can be a very tough thing to do

A wild storm, then a quiet rain

Linda and the cats sleeping


I finally feel a sense of calm


Night approaches and

bird cries grow fainter


We finally dace a problem

and realize we need help


We are no match for Wells Fargo alone


O the green out back

and the patter of rain











Back before Bipolar hit, or I was aware of it

My life seemed to be on some kind of track


Slowly things started to unravel

I continued on a chaotic course


I tried to help my mentally ill mom

Some might say it as a meager effort


I did the best I could, but still feel guilty


Now that I have been in gradual recovery since ‘99

I can see the course of my life much more clearly


I still have wounds and regrets, errors of judgment

That hurt myself and others, aspirations unmet


But now I see that I finally landed on my feet

With greater mindfulness and a conscience


I make my mistakes and face challenges

that sometimes seem overwhelming


I’m in a creative groove, I strive

to face both sides of reality

Birds crying out, in the darkness before dawn

My spirit cries out in unison with them.


We are sending a greeting

to the invisible dawn.


There are many invisible things

that touch one’s spirit out in nature

and awaken one’s mind.


Invisible things also keep us keepin’ on

and ignite the flame of hope


When is the time for sleep?

Only the spirit knows











Boundaries, we may not like them, but we need them
Didn’t Frost say “Good fences make good neighbors”

Of course, you can carry this thought too far
If you never cross a boundary, you will never know
why it exists in the first place

Something like that…





















Down at Stop and Go

the muck-a-mucks don’t show up

the very poor, working poor do


and I do


Sometimes I feel like

I don'[t fit in anywhere


I have been poor

I have been middle class


I feel more like me

dressing down


I have seen both worlds


Each has its heroes

Each has its villains


Each has its lost souls

just trying to get by


and that’s the truth


Everyone passes away

Leaving behind their essence

In the spirit of someone else























Finally, can’t walk

now must use walker


I’ve passed through anger stage

skipping depression, and now, hopefully

have moved on to acceptance


But you never know about those stages

They don’t unfold according to plan


I hate being dependent

leaving more for my wife

to do…It’s not me


Politics fade into the background

when something like a knee breaks down

Hopefully it can be fixed


But I don’t know, I’m not a doc,

just a man, living day to day


doing the best I can



Fiona the cat who can’t go out

because of the neighbor’s trap


watches fireflies in the night

through the bedroom screen


I watch them, too


Not much to say about them

except that they are a miracle

and so is Fiona the cat


The moment seems

Both old and new












Flashback dream: I am late for my wedding

and have no friends present or a best man


No bathroom available in the church

My fiance gives me a closed mouth kiss





















Hard to see your own ego

Often it can be years later

You gain some insight


after you have made a fool of yourself

or hurt someone, years later you see

what an egotistical fool you were


Hopefully now, you are more mindful

and stop the craziness before it start
















I came back to life at dusk

Heard the cry of the dove


Cooled the house down

Straightened things up


Faced some hard truths

Got rid of headache


Played some Tom Petty

“Runnin’ Down a Dream’


I came back to life at dusk

Heard the cry of the dove












I finally found my music

great artists, great songs


the music that transforms me

Now I no longer looking beauty

in the face, in the eyes


I no longer fear beauty

because of the great artists

great songs


and in there somewhere

my own beauty and song













I have trauma from the past to work through

but finally a good therapist to work with

I have rejections to deal with

but, again, a good therapist

and writing to help me deal with it


I love our neighborhood and Arden-Asheville

and love our marriage, and things are so different

from my former life before I got help for Bipolar

and was homeless and wandering around

the country and from job to job and relationship

to relationship and risking so much













I keep on going to sleep

and waking up and talking back

to characters in the dreams


It doesn’t scare me

I’m not hurting anyone


I’m hearing voices

but I have to believe

this too will pass


I keep thinking about

riding in the gondola

of a hot-air balloon


We have no control over

where we night end up


We are at the mercy of the elements


I am hearing voices

and I talk back to them

out loud



I’m gettin’ there, gradually


Where is there, you might want to know?

Well, a place where I can see more clearly


avoid my missteps

before I make them


Well, some of them

No one is perfect


But with age, hopefully

comes greater insight


and a bit of wisdom











It feels good to step back
and be quiet sometimes

I should do this more
be in my own space

let others speak
listen to them





















It’s a business decision, they say

Never mind how it affects people


but what’s wrong with a business deal

woven through with some compassion


The world we live in has gone crazy, it seems

people with no conscience are running amuck


while too many good people

turn their tails, run and hide


It’s time to stand up, people

Face down the new zombies


they are cowards at heart










I turn on the news, then turn it off fast

I think I know what’s going on anyway


A prisoner is being released

Who can complain about that?


It’s a quiet dawn in the Blue Ridge

Birds are singing, not a blade of grass stirring

I feel peaceful inside


Listening to 80s music, why not?

The past and present and future are one

People are the same,


some growing, some not

Some with a conscience, some not

Some with beauty, inside and out









Let the silence into your soul

All you can do is the best you can do

So let the worry go


You’re just another grassroots person

trying to make your way through the world

so rest in that knowledge


Listen to the cry of the night bird

as dusk settles over the land


Talk less and listen more

and everything will be alright













Listening to Whitesnake

“Here I go again


Here I go again

I’ve made up my mind





















It always feels good to start over

renew, pick yourself up by your bootstraps

feel this cold wind on your face and hair


turn on the music

look out at the darkness

have some good java



















I used to be 5’8″ or 5’9″

but I’ve shrunk, that can happen

as you age


but I still tell the nurse 5’8″

not wanting to face reality


as if being shorter is a sign of weakness…

Now Linda jokingly calls me Mr. 5’8”


reminding me of reality















It’s ok

It’s ultimately ok

as long as your soul lives

and your love survives

It’s ok

It’s ultimately ok

as long as you do not lose hope

It’s ok

It’s ultimately ok

as long as you stick to your values

your sense of right and wrong

It’s ok, it’s ok

as long as you continue to care

about more than yourself

about more than material objects

as long as you seek justice

for yourself and others

It’s okay

It’s ultimately ok

If you hurt me I know how to heal

I know how to go deep inside





My love for music grows

Time to pick up the guitar again

Compose some new songs

Do some open mics


Shadows and light on the green at twilight

“It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away” (U2)

Wake up, clear your head,


turn on the music, friends

The spirit will move inside

inside of you


inside of you












No way to control where I’m going

No way to control where I’ve been


I’m alive, I’m free, and one thing for sure

I’m not going to hurt anyone, I won’t inflict

my trauma on anyone else




















So many things buzzing around in my head

doctor appointments, lawyer appointment

preparing for vacation, sleep test tonight

problems selling our house

cats can’t go out because of complaint

knee replacement may be wearing out

but, but things could be so much worse

I have a good marriage

and Linda’s birthday is tomorrow

and we’re babysitting for granddaughter

and the sun is shining as twilight approaches

and our money is holding up (for now)

and we have some good friends


Politics is crazy, so what else is new?

The situation is scary, but I do what I can

to help preserve democracy and to stand

for social justice


I do what I can, I’m just one person


I continue to write and write and write

but the publishing industry is tough, tough, tough

to break into


I need an agent but it seems impossible right now


I have trauma from the past to work through

but finally a good therapist to work with

I have rejections to deal with

but, again, a good therapist

and writing to help me deal with it


I love our neighborhood and Arden-Asheville

and love our marriage, and things are so different

from my former life before I got help for Bipolar

and was homeless and wandering around

the country and from job to job and relationship

to relationship and risking so much











Ten years we’ve been together

with each other and Fiona and Lily

faced many challenges


stayed faithful through many challenges

and now our anniversary is coming up


and I’m so glad we stuck it out

It’s a mystery how we did it


and yet it is clear

We honored our decision


We’ve grown but there is more to explore

Much more, much more, more mystery


always more







Time to break some new ground

Time to climb the Blue Ridge, touch the clouds

Time to hang out with hawks and eag























The idea is to keep on keepin’ on

to not give up, to be your own self

to take some risks but not all risks


to reach out, but if you receive rejection back

to not let it eat away at you, just keep on pitchin’

doing the best you can


Like Obama, who is battered every day

he doesn’t let the barbs stop him in his tracks

or destroy his self-confidence


The idea is to not allow material objects

to dominant your thinking and steal your soul

character is not built on money-making


The idea is to lend a helping hand

especially to the most vulnerable


The idea is to remember the capacity for growth

In people you may have dismissed in the past…





What would I do without my car

riding through the pre-dawn

down the highway


heading for my favorite coffee shop


listen to my favorite artists, like Bruce Springsteen

U2, Bob Dylan, riding alone, feeling free, reflecting,

the road almost empty, the past, present, future



flowing through my mind

thoughts of fighting for justice

in the country I love, the USA












When things start to fall apart
I get very calm, I focus body and mind
I’m better in a crisis, don’t know why

I get very quiet inside myself
start to listen to bird cries at dawn
feel a new day rising

another chance to get it right



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