A night bird calling at twilight
The day winding down
Time to punch that internal time clock
Let go of anxieties, relax,
And do something that you just enjoy
A song taking me back to Massachusetts
the pain and confusion and but growth
growth in the end, the bitter-sweet end
Sometimes we must mess up
really bad to understand
our bad decisions
I did the best I could
It was not good enough
until the end
A time to engage with problems
and a time to let go, completely
Let go of all of them
Give yourself a rest
There are problems that cannot be solved
right away, some that cannot be solved at all
Sometimes only a change of attitude will do,
a realization that not everything
is in our control, we are not all-powerful
Unexpected things happen
whether we like it or not
We make mistakes in judgment
and can’t take back
But everyone needs to take an emotional rest
or we will go crazy with worry. Sometimes time
is the only remedy, sometimes forgiveness
of self and others is needed
Forgiveness, actual forgiveness
can be a very tough thing to do
A wild storm, then a quiet rain
Linda and the cats sleeping
I finally feel a sense of calm
Night approaches and
bird cries grow fainter
We finally dace a problem
and realize we need help
We are no match for Wells Fargo alone
O the green out back
and the patter of rain
Back before Bipolar hit, or I was aware of it
My life seemed to be on some kind of track
Slowly things started to unravel
I continued on a chaotic course
I tried to help my mentally ill mom
Some might say it as a meager effort
I did the best I could, but still feel guilty
Now that I have been in gradual recovery since ‘99
I can see the course of my life much more clearly
I still have wounds and regrets, errors of judgment
That hurt myself and others, aspirations unmet
But now I see that I finally landed on my feet
With greater mindfulness and a conscience
I make my mistakes and face challenges
that sometimes seem overwhelming
I’m in a creative groove, I strive
to face both sides of reality
Birds crying out, in the darkness before dawn
My spirit cries out in unison with them.
We are sending a greeting
to the invisible dawn.
There are many invisible things
that touch one’s spirit out in nature
and awaken one’s mind.
Invisible things also keep us keepin’ on
and ignite the flame of hope
When is the time for sleep?
Only the spirit knows
Boundaries, we may not like them, but we need them
Didn’t Frost say “Good fences make good neighbors”
Of course, you can carry this thought too far
If you never cross a boundary, you will never know
why it exists in the first place
Something like that…
Down at Stop and Go
the muck-a-mucks don’t show up
the very poor, working poor do
and I do
Sometimes I feel like
I don'[t fit in anywhere
I have been poor
I have been middle class
I feel more like me
dressing down
I have seen both worlds
Each has its heroes
Each has its villains
Each has its lost souls
just trying to get by
and that’s the truth
Everyone passes away
Leaving behind their essence
In the spirit of someone else
Finally, can’t walk
now must use walker
I’ve passed through anger stage
skipping depression, and now, hopefully
have moved on to acceptance
But you never know about those stages
They don’t unfold according to plan
I hate being dependent
leaving more for my wife
to do…It’s not me
Politics fade into the background
when something like a knee breaks down
Hopefully it can be fixed
But I don’t know, I’m not a doc,
just a man, living day to day
doing the best I can
Fiona the cat who can’t go out
because of the neighbor’s trap
watches fireflies in the night
through the bedroom screen
I watch them, too
Not much to say about them
except that they are a miracle
and so is Fiona the cat
The moment seems
Both old and new
Flashback dream: I am late for my wedding
and have no friends present or a best man
No bathroom available in the church
My fiance gives me a closed mouth kiss
Hard to see your own ego
Often it can be years later
You gain some insight
after you have made a fool of yourself
or hurt someone, years later you see
what an egotistical fool you were
Hopefully now, you are more mindful
and stop the craziness before it start
I came back to life at dusk
Heard the cry of the dove
Cooled the house down
Straightened things up
Faced some hard truths
Got rid of headache
Played some Tom Petty
“Runnin’ Down a Dream’
I came back to life at dusk
Heard the cry of the dove
I finally found my music
great artists, great songs
the music that transforms me
Now I no longer looking beauty
in the face, in the eyes
I no longer fear beauty
because of the great artists
great songs
and in there somewhere
my own beauty and song
I have trauma from the past to work through
but finally a good therapist to work with
I have rejections to deal with
but, again, a good therapist
and writing to help me deal with it
I love our neighborhood and Arden-Asheville
and love our marriage, and things are so different
from my former life before I got help for Bipolar
and was homeless and wandering around
the country and from job to job and relationship
to relationship and risking so much
I keep on going to sleep
and waking up and talking back
to characters in the dreams
It doesn’t scare me
I’m not hurting anyone
I’m hearing voices
but I have to believe
this too will pass
I keep thinking about
riding in the gondola
of a hot-air balloon
We have no control over
where we night end up
We are at the mercy of the elements
I am hearing voices
and I talk back to them
out loud
I’m gettin’ there, gradually
Where is there, you might want to know?
Well, a place where I can see more clearly
avoid my missteps
before I make them
Well, some of them
No one is perfect
But with age, hopefully
comes greater insight
and a bit of wisdom
It feels good to step back
and be quiet sometimes
I should do this more
be in my own space
let others speak
listen to them
It’s a business decision, they say
Never mind how it affects people
but what’s wrong with a business deal
woven through with some compassion
The world we live in has gone crazy, it seems
people with no conscience are running amuck
while too many good people
turn their tails, run and hide
It’s time to stand up, people
Face down the new zombies
they are cowards at heart
I turn on the news, then turn it off fast
I think I know what’s going on anyway
A prisoner is being released
Who can complain about that?
It’s a quiet dawn in the Blue Ridge
Birds are singing, not a blade of grass stirring
I feel peaceful inside
Listening to 80s music, why not?
The past and present and future are one
People are the same,
some growing, some not
Some with a conscience, some not
Some with beauty, inside and out
Let the silence into your soul
All you can do is the best you can do
So let the worry go
You’re just another grassroots person
trying to make your way through the world
so rest in that knowledge
Listen to the cry of the night bird
as dusk settles over the land
Talk less and listen more
and everything will be alright
Listening to Whitesnake
“Here I go again
Here I go again
I’ve made up my mind
It always feels good to start over
renew, pick yourself up by your bootstraps
feel this cold wind on your face and hair
turn on the music
look out at the darkness
have some good java
I used to be 5’8″ or 5’9″
but I’ve shrunk, that can happen
as you age
but I still tell the nurse 5’8″
not wanting to face reality
as if being shorter is a sign of weakness…
Now Linda jokingly calls me Mr. 5’8”
reminding me of reality
It’s ok
It’s ultimately ok
as long as your soul lives
and your love survives
It’s ok
It’s ultimately ok
as long as you do not lose hope
It’s ok
It’s ultimately ok
as long as you stick to your values
your sense of right and wrong
It’s ok, it’s ok
as long as you continue to care
about more than yourself
about more than material objects
as long as you seek justice
for yourself and others
It’s okay
It’s ultimately ok
If you hurt me I know how to heal
I know how to go deep inside
My love for music grows
Time to pick up the guitar again
Compose some new songs
Do some open mics
Shadows and light on the green at twilight
“It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away” (U2)
Wake up, clear your head,
turn on the music, friends
The spirit will move inside
inside of you
inside of you
No way to control where I’m going
No way to control where I’ve been
I’m alive, I’m free, and one thing for sure
I’m not going to hurt anyone, I won’t inflict
my trauma on anyone else
So many things buzzing around in my head
doctor appointments, lawyer appointment
preparing for vacation, sleep test tonight
problems selling our house
cats can’t go out because of complaint
knee replacement may be wearing out
but, but things could be so much worse
I have a good marriage
and Linda’s birthday is tomorrow
and we’re babysitting for granddaughter
and the sun is shining as twilight approaches
and our money is holding up (for now)
and we have some good friends
Politics is crazy, so what else is new?
The situation is scary, but I do what I can
to help preserve democracy and to stand
for social justice
I do what I can, I’m just one person
I continue to write and write and write
but the publishing industry is tough, tough, tough
to break into
I need an agent but it seems impossible right now
I have trauma from the past to work through
but finally a good therapist to work with
I have rejections to deal with
but, again, a good therapist
and writing to help me deal with it
I love our neighborhood and Arden-Asheville
and love our marriage, and things are so different
from my former life before I got help for Bipolar
and was homeless and wandering around
the country and from job to job and relationship
to relationship and risking so much
Ten years we’ve been together
with each other and Fiona and Lily
faced many challenges
stayed faithful through many challenges
and now our anniversary is coming up
and I’m so glad we stuck it out
It’s a mystery how we did it
and yet it is clear
We honored our decision
We’ve grown but there is more to explore
Much more, much more, more mystery
always more
Time to break some new ground
Time to climb the Blue Ridge, touch the clouds
Time to hang out with hawks and eag
The idea is to keep on keepin’ on
to not give up, to be your own self
to take some risks but not all risks
to reach out, but if you receive rejection back
to not let it eat away at you, just keep on pitchin’
doing the best you can
Like Obama, who is battered every day
he doesn’t let the barbs stop him in his tracks
or destroy his self-confidence
The idea is to not allow material objects
to dominant your thinking and steal your soul
character is not built on money-making
The idea is to lend a helping hand
especially to the most vulnerable
The idea is to remember the capacity for growth
In people you may have dismissed in the past…
What would I do without my car
riding through the pre-dawn
down the highway
heading for my favorite coffee shop
listen to my favorite artists, like Bruce Springsteen
U2, Bob Dylan, riding alone, feeling free, reflecting,
the road almost empty, the past, present, future
flowing through my mind
thoughts of fighting for justice
in the country I love, the USA
When things start to fall apart
I get very calm, I focus body and mind
I’m better in a crisis, don’t know why
I get very quiet inside myself
start to listen to bird cries at dawn
feel a new day rising
another chance to get it right